Notabilia

Pleasantries

Jokes

21 through 25

21

The crofter's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a lusty baby boy was brought into the world.

"Och!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern by...I think there's yet another wee bairn to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

"Na, dinna be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The crofter scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Well, now, mon. Do ye suppose the light's attracting them?"

06-02-2003

22

I haven't said a word to my wife for the past 18 months. I don't want to interrupt her.

The last fight I had with my wife, was my own mistake. She asked me what's on the TV and I replied "Dust."

In the beginning God created earth and then he rested. Then God created man and rested again. Finally God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man ever rested again.

Why do most men die before their wives? Because they want to.

A beggar approached a well dressed lady who was shopping in Astoria, and told her: "I haven't eaten anything for the past four days."
"My God!" she replied. "I wish I had the strength to do the same."

The penalty for bigamy is having two mothers-in-law.

Son: "Dad, I heard that in some African countries the groom doesn't know who the bride is until the day they marry."
Dad: "Son, this happens in all countries."

Some guy wanted to get married so he posted an ad looking for a wife. The next day he received tons of replies: "You can have mine!"

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday, is to forget it once.

George says: "My wife is an angel". How about your's John?
"You really are lucky, George", replies John. "Mine is still alive!"

Most men define marriage as an expensive way to have their clothes washed and ironed.

Imagine that if marriage didn't exist, men would spend their entire lives believing that they are never mistaken.

If you want your wife to pay attention to what you say, start talking in your sleep.

A guy once said: "I had never understood the true meaning of happiness until I got married. But by then, it was too late."

Son: "Dad? How much does it cost to get married?"
Dad: "I don't know son. I am still paying."

My wife and I go to a nice restaurant twice a week. She goes on Mondays; I go on Fridays.

My wife and I sleep in separate beds. Her bed is in New York; my bed is in Hawaii.

I take my wife to every strange place I know, but she always finds her way back.

"Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" I asked my wife.
"Somewhere you have never take me before" she replied.
So I took her to the kitchen!

I always hold my wife's hand. If I let her go she starts shopping.

My wife's kitchen is filled with all sorts of electrical appliances.
"There are too many of them and I can't sit down" she complained.
So I bought her an electric chair.

The other day my wife told me that the car wouldn't start because there was too much water in the carburettor. "Where is the car?" I asked. "In the lake!!!" she replied.

My wife is on a coconut and banana diet. She hasn't lost a pound but you should see her climbing trees.

06-05-2003

23

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

06-12-2003

24

Q: Why do Lawyers smell?

A: So the blind can hate them, too!

06-18-2003

25

Things Women Should Do To Drive Men Crazy...

Do not say what you mean. Ever.

Be ambiguous. Always.

Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.

Bring things up that were said, done, or thought months or years ago.

Make them apologize for everything.

Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.

Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.

Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them. Smile.

Look them in the eye and start laughing.

Cry.

Get mad at them for everything.

Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.

Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his affection for his "little princess."

Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.

Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.

Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.

Cry.

Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.

Plan little relationship anniversaries, i. e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library ... for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.

Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.

Correct their grammar.

Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.

Leave out the good parts in stories.

Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group.

Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.

Cry.

Criticize the way they dress.

Criticize the music they listen to.

Criticize their hair.

Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.

Try to change them.

Try to get them to dance.

Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted.

When they screw up, never let them forget it.

Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.

Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"

Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.

Over-analyze everything.

Cry.

Make it your goal to make THEM cry.

07-01-2003